Rascal Flatts: Making Songs that Sound Like They’re About Blowjobs Since 2000   Leave a comment

I love Rascal Flatts…but…
(Credit to FacebookFail for this one):
From the song “Stand:”
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you’re made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand.
Okay, so maybe that’s not so bad.  There’s some room for interpretation there.  I mean sure, the entire song does kind of sound like a metaphor for a person whose life is so shitty they’ve been forced to resort to fellatious prostitution, but hey, it’s all good.  Let’s try another song.

“Where You Are”
You’re a waterfall
Washin’ over me
I’m a thirsty man
Let me drink you in
Okay…that’s not terrible.  That could at least be about cunnilingus too, right?
“Feels Like Today

But I know something is coming
I don’t know what it is
But I know it’s amazing, you save me
My time is coming
And I’ll find my way out of this longest drought…
 Alright, now we’re talking about dryspells.  We finally got off the blowjob topic and expanded to sex in general.  Evidently some of the band members are having trouble in bed.
“What Hurts the Most”
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin’ so much to say
And watchin’ you walk away

And never knowin’
What could’ve been
And not seein’ that lovin’ you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

Now that’s just not fair, that song is beautiful (really).  But still, that last couplet made me laugh.
“Me and My Gang”
Even New York City got one or two hillbillies
Ready to hit the road

It’s a brother and a sister kind of thang
Raise up your hands if you all wanna hang

With me and my gang
We live to ride
We ride to live
Me and my gang

Jump on that train
Grab hold of them reins
We’re gonna rock this thang, cock this thang
Me and my gang, yeah
Me and my gang

I don’t want to know what kind of hillbilly brother and sister kind of thing this is.  Ew.  Then you get to the veritable smut Pinata that is “Bob that Head.”  I mean come on, the song is called “Bob that Head.”  Maybe the lyrics are less dirty.
Bob that head
Every Friday night
Got the windows rolled down
The seat reclined
Givin’everybody that rock on sign
Yeah, turn it up to ten
Hey, y’all join in
Bob that head
Come on, bob that head
Bob that head

Posted August 21, 2010 by Alex in Country Music, Dirty, Random, Rascal Flatts

New Story Idea   Leave a comment

Not sure what it will amount to in terms of length.

I was laying down to bed the other night, and for some reason the made-up word “Skankarella” crossed my mind.  I immediately set to putting a definition to the word, and I came up with a modern twist on the Cinderella story.

When I thought “skank” for some reason the goth style of dress came to mind.  Not in a negative way in itself, just in that many outsiders view goths or those that dress as goths in a very negative light.  So I thought that the title character would be someone with supposed “goth” or “emo” sensibilities and fashion style, cast as an outsider in her family.  Think Kelly Osbourne adopted into the Phelps family.

Rather than the two ugly stepsisters, and the evil step-mother, I think it would be an overly devout step-mother or adoptive mother, and two Christian stepsisters that parrot their mother’s bigoted spiritual beliefs.  The underlying theme in the story would be that it is okay to be different, okay to be unique, and okay to strive to find your own sense of morality outside of the Christian norm.

The original Cinderella story is as horrible as any typical Disney story in that it gives nothing of value.  You have the maligned and abused Cinderella character tormented by an evil parent, and two ugly stepsisters and befriending mice whose fairy godmother pretty much magically grants her wishes.  The moral being that if you’re beautiful, eventually people will see it and you will reap the advantages.  I try not to be preachy, but I don’t like stories that don’t have a point.

My friend Phil, over at BBG, suggested that the title should therefore be “Gotharella,” but I disagree.  I want a word that has some negative connotations and is a bit derisive, like the name Cinderella in the original Disney film. The point being that this is a person that others see as wholly undesirable when the opposite is actually true.

Posted August 21, 2010 by Alex in Novel, Writing

Seriously, Don’t be an Asshole in Life   Leave a comment

Many of you know that I play in-line hockey in Syracuse (SIHA).  It’s fun, it’s a rec. league, and no one takes it too seriously.  Since we’re pretty much the only group that uses the arena during the summer, the owner of the league has been looking to expand into more activities, such as floor hockey (played on feet).

So this year we’ve been doing a trial run of a shortened floor hockey season that’s largely glorified pick-up.  There were supposed to be four teams, two from SIHA, one Liverpool, NY YMCA team, and one team from Auburn, NY.  The Auburn team dropped out, so it’s been two games of pick-up floor hockey SIHA vs. YMCA on Monday nights.  I need to stress the complete and utter lack of seriousness and intensity to these games.  It’s fucking rec. floor hockey.  Okay.

Now look, in a rec. league where the games are pick-up, I don’t really give a shit about who wins or loses.  I want to win, but seriously, who cares that much.

Apparently the group of 30- to 50-something YMCA guys.

The first week, the YMCA guys won both games, and this week, the SIHA teams did.  One of the YMCA guys is a bigger guy, with braces on both legs, so he can’t move terribly well, but his effort is always there and he’s a nice guy.    In a sport where there is a lot of running, the guy isn’t a liability.  He’s made plenty of good plays and even has a goal or two (in a surprisingly low-scoring sport).

According to the league owner, one or more of the YMCA guys told him not to show next week.

Seriously?  They made the guy cry.

How much of a scum-sucking piece of shit asshole do you have to be to tell someone not to play in a fucking rec. league with no standings for fun?  Who shits on someone’s parade like that?  No matter what sports pundits and retired athletes tell you, wanting to win at all costs doesn’t make you dedicated, it doesn’t make you intense, and it doesn’t make you a hustler.

It makes you an asshole.  An asshole.  Whoever said that…you’re an asshole.  Asshole.  Don’t make me link a god damn picture.

My first response was identical to the league owner’s.  Hell, come play for us  We’re not douchebags, we understand the concept of fun, and we have enough little fast guys to work well with a big body on D/in front of the net.

I coach youth softball, and have done basically ever since my sisters were old enough to play.  I’ve coached some teams that never won a game.  Hell I’ve been on teams that only won one game.  My inline team the past two years has a combined record of 7-25.  It’s never even crossed my mind to even imply to someone that they shouldn’t show up.  If you do so, you’re just a failure as a player, a failure as a coach and a failure as a human being.

It’s the same thing as quitting.  It is, it’s admitting that you lack the requisite skills to work with that player as either a peer, or superior and help them get better.  I’m glad no one told me that my first year of hockey when I pretty well sucked.

The whole situation is just really sad.  I know a few of the YMCA guys fairly well, and they’re great people.  I know not everyone on their team would do that, or probably even knows about it, but I can make an educated guess as to who it is.  And if it is that guy, he has kids that have attended the games.  In fact, they’re probably all parents.

Nice example you’re setting.

Posted August 18, 2010 by Alex in Don't be a fucking asshole

Hockey Fight of the Week   Leave a comment

Sabres – Senators Brawl

I’m Going to the Hell I Don’t Believe In   Leave a comment

Posted August 16, 2010 by Alex in Horrible, NFL, Tebow

What’s in a Name?   Leave a comment

By the way, that last post was my 100th entry. Don’t all blow me at once.

A friend and I were having a discussion, and I brought up the fact that there are names that I probably just wouldn’t be able to date because I am shallow like that. And she agreed.

Brenda, Barbara, or anything else that immediately conjures images of a 5’5, 160 pound old lady with a body shape of a square.

I dated a Susan once, and I didn’t like it. Wonderfully nice girl, I just didn’t find the abbreviation of her name (Sue you morons) to be aesthetically pleasing. All I could think of was Sue…sueee….soooooooooooooooooey. Kill me.

Emily. Not that it’s a terrible name in itself, but I probably wouldn’t be able to stop making fun of the parents. Like Emily…Emily? Really? Emily…Jane Doe wasn’t common enough? (I have a cousin Emily. She’s awesome. Don’t kill me.) On the other hand I have no problem with Ann or Ashley. I think this is a me problem.

Sara, Steph, Jodi, or any other name also shared by an immediate relative. It would just be weird. On the other hand, I think it would be fun to date a girl with the same name as one of my friends girlfriends. Then I could refer to her as “the better ___,” “the prettier ____” or if I really wanted to make them jealous, “the whorier ___.”

Anyone with a regular name, just spelled wrong. Like Aimee, or Ashlee, or whatever. It just bothers me. Were these parents on drugs? What the hell was going on there?

Random Names I Do Like:

Alexandra, Alexandria, any iteration of my own name. I think it would be fun to date someone with essentially the same name. Oh look it’s Alex and Alex…and they have matching shirts. Do I sicken you? Good.

Jacqueline. Why? Because I could call her Jackie Bauer. Stop laughing. 24 sucks.

Sidney, Jordan, Sam(antha), Kerry. I rather like androgynous names. I like tomboyish women. I’m like Tila Tequila in that I always go for the manliest looking chick that still actually looks like a chick. (Life goals list, compare self to Tila Tequila without contracting an STD…check).

Cassandra, Julia, Yulia, Lena, Arista, Melissa, Elizabeth, Bethany, Casie, Kaitlyn. I just think they sound pretty.

I’m done typing now.

Posted August 16, 2010 by Alex in Names, Random

An Intelligent Person, Hope for Humanity!   Leave a comment

When I was doing one of the sex-ed articles I did a while back, I came upon this blog about pornography.  A few people were really out of touch about sex in society, so I commented and checked the little box to e-mail me about any comments after mine.

While most of them reached roughly the intelligence and maturity level of “zomgz! porn bad!” there was finally one today that was spot on and extremely insightful.  So much so, that i have serious doubts about the age and gender of the poster (because everyone on the internet is a dude).  “Her” text is in yellow.

Author: Katie
Hi, so I’m fourteen and a girl. All of my guy friends and guys that I know (but don’t consider friends) admit that they watch porn pretty openly. I’d say it’s pretty normal for teenagers to watch porn. I watch porn from time to time, but mostly I just read erotic fanfiction (and write it too). Still, I’ll read anything from softcore to hardcore, and I really don’t see why people seem to think it’s so horrible. (I figure the difference between videos/images and writing is that you can convey emotions other than being turned on or being in pain through words.)

Katie brings up a very good point.  While I think everyone can agree that an image of two people having sex constitutes pornography, many seem to forget that a trashy romance novel isn’t much better.  When my mom found several porn sites in the history of my browser and made some offhanded comment, I couldn’t help but laugh, knowing the type of literature that sits upon her shelves.

Watching/reading porn is not going to cause your son to have an abnormal relationship with someone. If he’s into that sort of thing, that’s totally fine. If he wants to do that sort of thing, there ARE actual people out there who are into it. If there weren’t porn involving bondage and such probably wouldn’t exist in the first place. So it’s not going to mean he can’t be with someone he loves.

I’m currently going out with a guy my age, and despite the fact that I read/watch porn, I’m totally fine with simply kissing him and not doing bondage or what have you (we’re both still virgins). It’s pretty innocent, and porn hasn’t affected our relationship at all.

Her comments in this and the following paragraphs are largely directed at one poster in particular that seemed rather stunned by the fact that her son had viewed BDSM porn…or BDSM in general.

“Were the women in these videos paid actresses? Why did they have tear streaked faces? Bruises? Far away looks in their eyes.”
To answer these questions…. There ARE people who get off on pain. They’re called masochists. Some people enjoy the endorphin rush they get from pain. Bruises are a form of marking. Some people like knowing that their dom owns them and has claimed them. The far away looks in their eyes could mean that they’re in subspace. Subspace is pretty hard to explain. The easiest way I can think of to explain it as when the person is rather disconnected from everything. It’s supposedly blissful (but I wouldn’t know).

This is where I begin to doubt the age of our young poster (how does a 14 year old come to know about “sub-space?), but everything she says is spot on.  It’s a great response to the comments by the horrified mother in relation to BDSM porn.  I would have gone even further and pointed out that when most people orgasm, they usually have a look in their eyes that suggests they’re a bit out of it…if their eyes are even open.

I think you’re probably only making your son distance himself from you by freaking out about it. My parents found out about a year ago that I was reading pornographic fiction, and they freaked out, started putting up filters, took away my computer for a month, etc. That was when I was reading pretty soft stuff. I can’t imagine what they would do now. Now I stay locked away in my room all day (and night) and barely talk to them unless I have to. All of the things they did did not make me stop reading/writing erotic fanfiction. All it did was make me stay away from them as much as possible. If you want to have a good relationship with your son, criticizing him for looking at hardcore porn and preaching to him about how horrible it is, is not exactly the best thing to do. I get that people have already told you this (I didn’t read all the comments but some), but I wanted you to hear it from someone like me.

To be fair, she is young.  Most parents aren’t comfortable with the fact that their kids are dealing with sex until their somewhere in their mid thirties (the kids) if they ever are.  This is largely thanks to a rather restrictive (coughreligiouscouch) American culture that seems to think the less its children know about something (sex) the better.

So thanks 14 year old Katie (or 48 year old Murray) for being more insightful and intelligent than other posters who are triple your age.

Posted August 16, 2010 by Alex in Article, Commentary, Porn, Random